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How many times have we been told that to err is human but to forgive is divine? More than we can count on our fingers I suppose. In this post, I focus on a “myth” in which those who wrong us are very quick to remind us of our moral responsibility towards them, which is to “forgive and forget”, a bit like saying let’s pretend like it never happened.

Please always remember that it is a good thing to forgive, in fact the Holy books admonish that we forgive – for those who are religious. In forgiving, we terminate a vicious (or self propagating) circle of violence which is capable of consuming both the transgressor and the offended. We also promote peace when we forgive. So the next time you are going to forgive, make sure you have a clear head about why you are forgiving and forgive with the knowledge that your are doing yourself and the man (or woman) that have wronged you a huge favour.

forgive 1

 Whilst it is correct that we forgive, it is however, not in the hands of those we forgive to dictate to us what we should do after we have chosen to forgive. Yes you heard me right, they should not take over your thought process and sense of judgement just for the mere fact that they have wronged you. It is important that you remember this because allowing them dictate to you what you do next gives them an edge over you. You should never let this control out your hands! And this is why: on the one hand those we forgive could encourage us on a path of vengeance, whilst on the other hand they could actually take advantage of our forgiving nature to exploit us. It is your duty to ensure they are not allowed to dictate what comes next.

The statement “forgive and forget” has two “action parts” when viewed from a time perspective – the present action (which is the forgive part) and the future action (the forget part).

forgive 2

Whilst those who wrong us may have a say about what may happen in the present (which is asking you to forgive their lack of judgement), I think they will be asking too much to lord it over you what you should do in the future. What you chose to do in the future (which is the “forget” part) is entirely up to you and should be your exclusive rights. That is why I encourage my friends to walk in circles of people who are rational because when the time comes for them to decide the second part regarding you, they will be rational (topic for another day). I must warn that this right to do as you wish must not be abused as “two wrongs does not make a right”. The harder part is what next if you ask me as it I think it is easier to forgive.

Here are my recommendations about the phase that comes after you forgive:

  1. Assess the situation carefully and decide for yourself what the weight of the “transgression” or “offense” is.

  2. If you consider the weight of the offense light and you think you are able to bear it, then “forgive and forget” and allow a second chance.

  3. If the “transgression” is “serious”, then I suggest you strongly consider forgiving and move on. “Moving on” in this instance would mean deliberately removing yourself from harms way by avoiding the offender. Never consider giving a second chance in this scenario. An example of a serious weight on my scale of events would be an abusive relationship – many women (and men) have died in abusive relationships trying to fix what was a serious problem.

The next time you hear someone say to you that you should “forgive and forget”, please remember that you will forgive but your next action is always a factor of what is in question.


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